TEARS AND WALLS - 16

Wednesday, July 31, 2019

      Today is 3 years since Jared died from an overdose - he had been given pure fentanyl. I still hate saying that but it's what happened.
      As of June 29th I had no Life Lesson for today. I was a bit sad and wondered if I was done. Was God going to give me more? So I prayed! He worked quickly, for that morning my devotional in Jesus Always by Sarah Young started, "Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of Joy. So do not despise your tears, My child; they are precious to Me. Someday I will wipe away every tear from your eyes..." Yes, I still cry sometimes - not like 3 years ago but when I'm passing someplace Jared and I went or somebody says something he might have said, or just thinking about him. It's not usually often but made me wonder if this could be a Life Lesson!
     The 29th was a Saturday so I was driving to Tikvat for the Shabbat service. As I was driving I was contemplating tears. We cry for many reasons - happy, sad, excited, surprised. My tears, however, were due to devastating hurt and loss. As I drove on 480 I was uncertain where all this was going. THEN GOD showed me and of course I cried - more tears for Him to collect. What He showed me was that because I never wanted to experience this pain again I had put a wall around my heart. This wall not only safe-guarded me against pain/loss but it was also keeping others out - you could only get so close. Thankfully the Holy Spirit can get through. The wall started before Jared died but his death helped to fortify it.
     I semi-retired from nursing in May and God said He had "more" for me. I'm still not sure what it is but I believe this wall needs to be coming down in order to experience it. I want to assure you that God doesn't show you your "problem" and then leave you to deal with it alone. Once again He's got it all orchestrated, if I listen and obey.
     Please note, this all took place the day before I was leaving for Messiah 2019 - seven days of teaching, fellowship and worship. Isn't God Good? On Thursday, July 4th, I attended a session with Debbie Chernoff that was for women only entitled Freedom to Go from Strength to Strength. Yes folks -Independence Day!. There was a time for individual prayer at the end. A young woman named Caitlyn prayed for me. I told her about the wall I wanted down. She began to pray and as she did the Lord gave her discernment as to my fears - more tears. I wished I could have stayed in that place. I am not going to say my wall is down but it is definitely cracked and dented. The demolition process has started and I'm not sure what is next but my Father does and He's got it covered. I just need to stick close to Him and obey.
     You see the reality of this seemingly devastating situation of Jared's death is that I've really lost nothing because he knew Jesus. The TRUTH is that we are only temporarily separated in the physical realm but we will always be united by Love in the eternal ( see Love Never Fails). When you have Jesus as your Savior, and so do your loved ones, death's separation is only a temporary situation. This doesn't negate the pain - it is real! Rather, salvation is our hope which allows us to go forward. 
     While I don't know the reason for your tears or how you're dealing with them, I do know the God who Loves you and is longing to pour out His compassion and healing balm over you - if you'll let Him. Just call out to Him.

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          I want to share the kindness and compassion God gave me in my devotion time today:

** I've shared before about Small Straws in a Soft Wind by Marsha Burns, this is todays - To those who feel stuck either spiritually or naturally, I am going to make away for you to take a positive step in extrication. You must settle down and quiet yourself so that you do not miss even the slightest opportunity to make a change. I am sending a wave of compassion and mercy, and you will know that you are not alone and that I have not forgotten you, says the Lord. (Psalm 86:15)

**James 1:2-3:(Passion) My fellow believers, when it seems as though you are facing nothing but difficulties see it as an invaluable opportunity to experience the greatest joy that you can! For you know that when your faith is tested it stirs up power within you to endure all things.