Sunday, July 2,2017

     Now the physical distance between the head and the heart is relatively short - Right? So then why does it take so long for our head knowledge to reach our heart and become really real? While our heads 'know' something to be true; it's what is in a persons heart that causes them to act and choose one thing over another. It is our heart 'knowledge' that effects our lives. The Word says it this way in Proverbs 23:7 "For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he". Amen?!

     Shortly after Jared died I was talking to a friend who reminded me that God knew the length of Jared's days. I was not comforted - at all! The Scripture reference for this is found in Job 14:5 "Since a man's days are already determined, and the number of his months is wholly in Your control, and he cannot pass the bounds of his allotted time..." I knew it was true but it made me angry. Why only 23 years? I will confess that during those first weeks after Jared died I yelled at God on more than one occasion and this was one of them. However, I couldn't allow myself to stay angry because He was my Strength, my Comfort and my Hope. My Heavenly Father was the only one that could possibly get me through this in one piece.

     I've shared several of the 'Life Lessons' God has taken me through in these past 11 months to get me to where I am today. Now, I want to share with you how he transferred the fact that He knew the number of Jared's days from my head to my heart and made it one of my greatest blessings. I would also like to interject that He's been working on me in the area of love -  a previous 'Life Lesson' - He also brought that into the realm of heart knowledge.

     A few weeks ago I was messaging with a friend, she had lost her son recently, and before leaving Lowes parking lot I ended the message with "...But God knew the number of their days and He was not surprised by it." I was praying it would bring her more comfort than it did me.
     I was driving on Center Ridge, meditating on the fact that God knew the number of Jared's days. It 'hit' my heart - God KNEW the number of Jared's days and so He orchestrated that time for us to spend together before he died. You see, Jared hadn't lived with me in about 9 years but God made a space in time, even if only about 6 weeks, for me to see him clean and sober - for me to see his heart and be assured that he still loved God. God planned that because He loves us that much. It was only a second but the essence of Love consumed me and filled the car - I don't know how else to explain it. Once again, He completely overwhelmed me. I will never be able to doubt His love for me again. There's no way to put it into words to do it justice. Even putting it here, and the thought of what a blessing it is, moves me to tears. Please, don't think I'm special for as I've said before - Whatever God does for me He'll do for you. Just don't look for it to be the same way. Let Go and Let God!!

    Since that time I've been able to quiet my wrestling 'what if' thoughts quicker. You know what they are: What if I was a better mother? What if I did this? What if I didn't do that? and so on and so on. God knew the number of Jared's days - just as He knows the number of yours and mine. I honestly believe, now, that if he hadn't overdosed it would have been something else. We cannot pass our allotted time. No one knows what the number of our days is except the Father.

    Now here's the question - How will you live out your days? Will they be with you addicted, angry, bitter, feeling unloved, chasing after fleeting desires... . I choose to live out my days serving the Lord and getting to know Him better - no matter what the number. I'm definitely not there yet but I'm headed in the right direction with the best Life coach ever, my friend, the Holy Spirit. Know what? He's got openings if you'd like to schedule an appointment. Call on Him and He'll be there -no matter if it feels like it or not. Just talk to Him. I promise, He'll be listening.

I would just like to share here that it was a year ago today that Jared and I had our last 'real' conversation that brought both joy and sadness. It was when he told me he regretted doing drugs in high school, he regretted quitting soccer... At 23 he had no hope-only regrets which broke my heart. However, God also allowed me to hear him say how much he loved me and that he thought I was a good mom-what else matters?! When I woke up on the 3rd I found his note with his heart and cross on it. So glad I saved it.

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